Thursday, January 30, 2014

Larry The Cable Guy Jokes - PAGE 2
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- She was madder than a two-finger cripple trying to return a text message.

- Them reality shows make me madder than a piano player in a marching band.

- Makes me madder than a fat guy with little arms trying to wipe his ass-crack

-  Some girl was banging on my door the other day at four o'clock in the morning. I was like, "What in the world?" You know? So I got up and let her out...

-  I was madder than Janet Reno's blind date.

- I  met this gal a while back, looked like Shania Twain. Only a little shorter, and her face was different. I was drunk, it looked like Shania Twain. Next morning Mark Twain is laying there next to me there. She was ugly, now. I take her to Glamour Shops, get her an estimate, you know. She was--man, she was ugly right there. She had marks on her from where people had been touching her with the ten foot poles!

- I don't like Miami too much though, there's a lot of drugs and stuff. I was down there in broad daylight, car drive by, says, "You want some cocaine?" I'm like, "No, officer."

-  I don't do drugs. I don't know what I'm doing. I tried smoking mushrooms once, couldn't keep the pizza lit, you know, so I quit doing that. I tell you, I was madder than a three-legged dog trying to bury a turd on an icy lake, I tell you what.

- I'm trying to teach my dog safe sex but he keeps licking off the rubbers. That's funny! I don't care who you are, that's funny right there! If you don't think that's funny, you get out of here right now, 'cause. That's a good program right there. Preacher told me that joke...

- Has it ever happened to you when you make love to your girlfriend and the dog licks your hind-end? Now that--Lord, I apologize, for talking about the dog licking my crack there, and be with the starving pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen.

- I don't play with myself. I was cleaning it once and it went off.

- I was seeing this one girl for about six weeks, until someone took my binoculars...

- My sister was getting married, and she's a big ol' sumbitch. Her friends were about as fat as she is and she bought them all matching brown dresses they looked like a bunch of UPS trucks parked in the middle of parking lot.

- I once tipped a stripper with Monopoly money, and after that she said "That's fake money!" I said "Alright, well them's fake titties!"

- If it wasn't for women, seriously... this country would be full of queers.

- My wife still has that new wife smell to her.

- These two guys go hunting and the one guy says, "Good lord, I can see your house from here and your wife's cheatin' on you with another guy!" The other guy says, "Oh, I've had it with her. Shoot her in the head and him in the private parts!" He says, "I can get that in one shot!"

- This guy goes to his doctor one day and the doctor says, "I have bad news, and worse news." He says, "What's the bad news?" The doctor says, "You got 24 hours to live." He says, "What's the worse news?" Doctor says, "I forgot to call you yesterday."

- I was madder than a car-load of queers getting pulled over for doing a 69 in a 55.


More Jokes

Bill Engvall: "Here's Your Sign":

Jeff Foxworthy "You Might Be A Redneck":

Si Robertson Quotes:

Phil Robertson Quotes:

Jase Robertson Quotes:

Chuck Norris Jokes:

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